So, a very rare event for me is to watch "flick" through tv. I watch the biggies, Lost, Desperate Housewives, The O.C, that lot, but that's it. I never randomly sit infront of the television with a remote, and just surf channels until I find something to watch. Well, today I did. And I discovered why I rarely do.
I watched 2 'News' shows one right after the other, then avoiding the urge to self-destruct, continued to flick. It had become something of an expertiment. How long could I manage to watch crap? Quite a while it seems. I landed on the discovery channel. 'At least I can be somewhat educated' I foolishly thought. The show blew. The essense of the narrative was "there MIGHT be a volcano, but probably not." Yeah, they were at some forest where there was some mud that blew hot bubbles, and then they spent 30 minutes going "It COULD be the signs of a nearing volcanic eruption!--but probably not." The show was litterally pointless. It went NOWHERE. They just danced around this idea to fill 30 minutes of the Discovery channel's air time. During the show, I was mocking the commentary for trying to make every trival boring thing seem exciting "the scientists DESCENDED on the rocks" (About 3 OAPs struggling across a road.) The irony of later doesn't escape me. (Read on.) So the "can't believe it's not a volcano!" show ended, and the shocking conclusion was "probably not".
I continued to surf, and ended up on Animal planet. I saw the head of a fox, and I was hooked. They're so cute. I want my own fox. Too bad it's illegial. So anyway, it was a show about RSPCA (Quote/unquote) "rescues." There was a fox 'stuck' (he actually wasn't, he's just so awesome he figured he'd fuck with 'the man') between two houses and these two wildlife "experts" were trying to "rescue" him. It seriously involved them blocking one end of the tunnel with plank wood, and then trying to grab the fox with like.. a fishing net. After a while, the fox got bored and CLIMBED up the wall, Spider-man shit. It was awesome. Oh foxy, you're so cunning. It then went onto the next part, which was about a pelican HIDING behind a garden water fountain. Boring, bring back the fox!
It killed my attention, I was just about to flick over when the show ended. I got lucky, escaped with only about a minute of the pelican wandering around like "I dunnoooo davvvyyyy." So, I pick up the paper up off the floor during the adds, and read about Anna Nicole Smith's ex's all claiming to be her daughter so they could inherit her money. Some awful shit happening in the world folks. Thankfully, the next show started before I got a chance to rant.
It started well. Lions ripping zebras to shit, and Nelly the Elephant.. gone bad! So yeah, it's this huge Rocky montage of amazing "dog eat dog" crap with all these animals just maiming each other, and I'm all like "Ohhh yeah, awesome time." The show credits are coming to an end, when something a little strange BLARES across my screen. It's like, this little clump of clay, that quickly transforms into a tiger's head. I let it go, it's all Africian and things, they do that, I'm sure. The show starts, and, I'm completely serious, this Steve Irwin knockoff screams "And welcome! To EXTREME SCULPTING!!!!!" The title is so ludacris, even I'd swear I just made it up for a good blog entry, but I swear to you, EXTREME SCULPTING is an actual show I just stumbled across. Yeah, so this guy, travels all around the world, takes pictures of lions beating the crap out of each other, then.. sculpts it. I mean, maybe I wouldn't feel so violated if the sculpting was in the least bit extreme. I dunno, set some shit on fire, sculpt with human insides, turn with a KISS LP. Because we all know, sculpting is about as far away from EXTREME as.. man, I can't even think of anything that compares on that magnitude.
So, what's with all this EXTREME merchandising? Is that what the fat cats in the office blocks think Joe Simple wants to watch? Are they trying to reach out to the 'youth' audience? Well surely, there's a larger domain of adults watching television than young people (a proven fact, the average teen spends more time on a computer than watching tv) so should geniuen EXTREME shows tone down to fit the larger market? Because, let's face it, it's all about the Benjamin's with these folks. Maybe they'll catch onto my way of thinking, and we'll be seeing "BED-TIME STORIES CHAMPIONSHIP WRESTLING" and "CAVE DIVING: THE NICE WAY" in the coming years.
More on this story as it unfolds..
2 'o clock Saturdays on Animal planet, I know it's on then.
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